Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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