Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
