Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
