I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
