I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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