come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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