i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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