I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
