Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
