I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
