If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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