Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
