All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
