If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
