it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize