her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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