trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
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The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
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I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Randomize