I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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