I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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