i love accidental penises.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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