I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
