How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
so much tequila, so little girl.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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