i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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