CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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