Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
