I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
