Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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