My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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