My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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