somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
