I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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