Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
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I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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