dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
