so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
