Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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