Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
