perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i dont even know how to be here
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
