i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
