I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
