Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
