I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
