I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
