Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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