WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
