i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
