Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
