you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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