I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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