you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
