do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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