Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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