your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
