Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
try to milk me bitch
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