what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
