I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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