I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
